Today is my last day here. I'm bittersweet. I want to be with them as much as possibly but physically I'm still severely anemic and exhausted. I saw them this morning at 7am and Tim got to do k care. The doctors told me this morning I'm trying to do way to much. I've been pumping every two hours and making about 1oz-1.5oz a session and they said I need to slow down to every 3 hours and to pump before bed, sleep as long as I can, and then if I happen to get up to just pump then.

Today they are going to take Gavin off his cpap machine and the tube out of his belly and let him have no assistance like gabriel. waiting to hear back from the nicu to see how they're doing.

I just found out that 35 miles away isn't far enough for me to stay at the Ronald McDonald house across from the hospital so I'll have to rely on someone bringing me back and forth the first few weeks everyday that will let me sit up here for 8-10 hours. I'm already getting testy thinking about people only bringing me up here to hover over me and the babies for an hour. Gah!

I'm really struggling with leaving them behind here and being so far away and trying to financially figure out how to get up to see the babies everyday :( I am a very type a personality and I am not looking forward to asking everyone for help either. I feel like even though I feel so exhausted I'm being selfish not being up with and next to the babies the whole time I'm here. Like I'm a bad mom.

Physically my insicion is weird. It is numb to light touch. I can't feel it when I graze it with my fingers but I can feel the staples pull when I move certain ways. They will remove those tomorrow before I leave though.

I am just overwhelmed. I'm just not sure how to handle this or what to do next. Im torn between wanting to see Ethan and leaving the twins.